Marriage undelivered:when it's time to say good-bye to your husband.

Marriage is indeed a special event in human life. After which your man stops buying flowers and starts buying vegetables. (Joke)

When you are marrying somebody there is always a big wish to make it work. You want to be happy, you want it to last a lifetime, and you hope that your partner is the one and only man for you. You feel happy and ready for anything.

You think that your man is perfect - most handsome, bright, clever, witty, kind, generous, best in the whole world, and in reality he is all that and more, because he genuinely wants to be like that, even if he is not. And if he is not he is still trying very hard to live up to your expectations, because he loves you so much. At least he thinks so. He is willing to sacrifice his time, hobbies, preferences, everything for you. He craves your attention and cherishes your presence in his life.

You are perfect in his eyes and he wants to be a perfect man for you. At this point all fairy-tales are usually end, "And they lived happily ever after..." What happens next in a real life? - A life. Not a fairy-talish fantasy, not happy-goes-lucky dream, but everyday mundane, boring, simple, tedious life.

Life that is full of unpleasant situations, sicknesses, work, debts, kids and cats, dogs, loans and mortgages. Can your love survive all that? Can you go above that, separate your feelings from everyday demands and worries? You are trying desperately to preserve your perfect love, you are telling yourself, "I am not going to drag my husband through all this, I'll take care of all boring domestic things like - dinner, budget, laundry, shopping, cleaning etc., all that by myself. Let him worry about big things like career (his), education (his), personal growth (his). I am okay as is. I'll play second fiddle like a good old fashioned wife."

You are playing that all right for a while then, after your first child is born, you become what? - the third fiddle, then the 4th, 5th, until you are not even a fiddle anymore, you are just an old rug under everybody's feet in your family. No one bothers if you are tired or hungry; no one asks your opinion on anything. No one listens when you talk. You are nothing, nobody.

Your husband is not in a hurry to come home after work, and when he is at home he does not rush to help you or to share your chores whatever they are. This simple boring occupation like cooking, cleaning or washing dishes, laundry is beyond his attention, it’s too low, too primitive. He is tired after meaningful job/work/business, he needs a quality rest. He can watch TV or go to the bar, to feel like a man, tired man after work.

He can go to the park with kids but you have to feed them and dress them up first – it’s your responsibility even if you have full time work outside the house and another endless inside, who cares? It’s your kids anyway, you wanted them. Your kids are growing, and they see the example and they okay with that, they do not know anything better. They do not ask questions. They do not help you because dad does not help either, and it’s a norm in your family.

Their dad is bright and clever, and knows everything, and always right. He earns good money and buys them nice presents for their birthdays and holidays, and he loves them, he always says he does.

You are so tired, you cannot even think straight. Your husband criticizes you severely, because you are not as clever as he is (at least he thinks so). You are never good enough for him. You cannot do anything right, you spend too much money. You are getting fat because you do not have enough time to watch you diet, and you are always stressed up.

He becomes overweight too, after all those trips to the bars but he blames you. You are cooking the wrong food and make him fat! And you are lazy. He goes to the bar more often, because he is bored at home, though he does not make enough money to do that, and he has already 5 credit cards almost maxed out… But that is your fault too because you cannot manage payments on time as you are supposed to.

At this moment you have to stop. You have to drop everything, even most important things, and sit and talk to yourself because there is no one else to talk to. You have to ask yourself, "What am I doing with my life? What's happened to me? Can I go on like that? How could I turn myself into an invisible woman, woman without personality, faceless, weak, yielding creature? Who is this blob looking at you from your dusty dresser mirror? Where is that bright, cheerful, pretty, smartly dressed, well spoken, educated, slim woman? What happened to her uniqueness, her talents, her dreams and accomplishments? What has she done 10 years ago? Was it wedding ring she put on her finger or was it just a chain ring from the dog’s kennel?"

You have to realize that it is not a marriage any more. It is something else, and it is not important how you call it. The most important thing is to get out, now. Before it is too late, before you've lost your soul completely.

If you still love your husband, you can give him a chance. People do change with the right motivation. Give him 3 months, and if he is not willing to work on these changes, cut your wedding ring in half and scram as fast as you can, because it's your life at stake.

It does not matter who will physically leave, and who will stay with your kids. It does not matter, if it's the scariest thing in the world; you still have to do that for yourself and for your kids. Because you do not want them to grow up like your husband, and make some girl/boy miserable as you are.

Anyway, you can do the last favor to your husband: pack his bags, very neatly and accurately, as you usually do. May be even cook him a dinner, the last one. Cook things that you like most, and invite him to share it. Tell him how much you loved that person you married 10-20 years ago. For the last time.