What hurts the most

What hurts the most?

Things you have to lie about?

Infidelity?

Lost friends or betrayal?

When people dear to you die suddenly?

Yes, all that and more.

The worst thing probably is feeling of helplessness, when something happens or is happening and you can do nothing about that. You just do not have the power to change something, though you are desperately trying to. And then it hurts.

And you feel like your entire world suddenly lost its colors, and you are watching black and white horror movie and you cannot turn it off, because it is life not movie. And you feel desperate and helpless and lost. You want to find strength to live, to fight, and to continue. And you feel like you don't have it in you.

And sometimes you are desperate enough and you are thinking: Why should I fight, may be I should just give up and get lost? May be I should stop worrying, shoud stop playing saving missions, trying to protect people from themselves, people I love the most

If they do not want to be saved why should I bother? I have my own egotistical life to live. Just do not pay attention. Do not pay attention to things you cannot change.

But what if I can? What if I can make a difference, at least in life of people who are dear to me? People I can influence and may be save. Or is this mission overly ambitious and plain stupid?

How can you save somebody who fights against your attempts to save and blames you and tries to hurt himself even more?

Should you just step aside and go your own way or should you no matter what continue that helpless attempts to bring salvation to a person who means more to you than your own life? There is probably no answer.

The question is completely rhetorical.

You just can’t help it. Human beings are very stupid, they have emotions and they yield to these emotions. They have hearts and compassions and ability to suffer great pain that is not theirs.

And feel that pain as if it theirs. So-o pathetic. Stupid weak creatures. They cannot learn their lesson. They just want to suffer. For themselves, for their friends, for loved ones.

And more and more. For those who died on September 11. For those in Haiti and Afghanistan.

Even for those who did not have a chance to be born, how ridiculous is that?

But that’s the way we are. Stupid? Yes. Unavoidably pathetic? Yes.

Just because we are human. Through our weakness we create our strength.

That’s why I will continue to cry and to be desperate, and to endure and go on, and to fall and  get up and run again. I cannot do it any other way. I am human.